


No Regrats

by momothesweet



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, Drag Queens, Drunkenness, Hangover, Implied Relationships, M/M, What Have I Done, denny's au, mechanical bull, unwanted tattoos and piercings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 12:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momothesweet/pseuds/momothesweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At a Denny's restaurant, Levi and Erwin try to recount the ridiculous shenanigans they got into the night before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Regrats

**Author's Note:**

> When I saw someone say "Denny's AU" on Tumblr, this is what came to mind.
> 
> I don't even know anymore.

The clouds of shame, guilt, and confusion hung over Erwin and Levi's heads as they sat in a booth in the middle of a Denny's at six in the morning. Erwin continued to rub his forehead, and Levi kept staring into his black coffee, as if the answers they were looking for was in the bitter beverage.

"If you keep rubbing your forehead like that," Levi said hoarsely, "You'll end up giving it an orgasm."

"Not now, Levi," Erwin groaned, still rubbing. "Can we just...walk through what may have happened last night?"

Levi took a sip of the coffee, straining at the taste of how he probably felt last night. He took at look at Erwin, his hair in a blond, tattered mess. Even with the blatant streaks of hot pink, it was still pretty hot. So was his half-undone shirt, the stupid bolo tie hitting the middle of his gorgeous, sculpted chest...and a tattoo of two words he couldn't make out on his left pec?

"We can start at that tattoo on your chest," Levi said, blinking. "What does it say?"

Erwin looked down at his chest and pulled the shirt away to fully reveal the tattoo. "What in the world...?"

Levi squinted. "No...regrats?"

Erwin buried his face in his hands. "Oh god."

He was certain it said "no regrats." Levi wanted to reach over and comfort Erwin, but he refused to stand up at this point. It was already a literal pain in his ass to get up on the bed of a rusty pickup truck in the middle of a backyard in an unfamiliar neighborhood. It was even more painful to jump over the backyard wall and to quickly jaywalk a street to get to the Denny's they were sitting in now. He also didn't want to touch the floor of the restaurant; one of his shoes was inexplicably missing.

The waitress came over to their booth to serve them their Grand Slams. She took a good head-to-toe gander at Levi, then at Erwin, then back at Levi. She tapped the bottom of her nose.

"It looks good on ya, darlin'," she said before walking away.

Levi didn't know what she was talking about, until he repeated her action. He didn't touch his septum, though. He touched a septum ring. 

"Shit. Erwin."

Erwin finally looked up. Those beautiful blues would have been more comforting had there not been ridiculous coats of mascara caked on his eyelashes that Levi initially thought were nonexistent. The rosy blush on his cheeks and the smeared ruby red lipstick painted on his lips were also off-putting. Erwin looked into Levi's tired, stone-cold gray eyes. "Is that...eyeliner?"

"You asshole, look at my nose!" He pointed. "It's pierced. How the fuck did you not notice this when we woke up?"

"I was too busy taking in the view when we woke up. Y'know, the view of the stranger's backyard with a German shepherd growling uncontrollably at us whilst in the bed of a rusty old truck?"

"You're cute when you're sarcastic," Levi mused, poking at his eggs. "But my nose...fuck..."

"How's your backside?" he asked, ignoring Levi's attempt at lightening the mood.

"Still sore." A faint image flashed in Levi's head. "Did you remember a mechanical bull around at some point last night?"

Erwin shook his head as he shakily sliced into his pancakes. "I remember a lot of screaming. And Hanji screaming out numbers."

"Ugh."

"The septum piercing might make sense."

Levi stabbed his eggs and took a bite. "How so?"

"If there was a mechanical bull, maybe you were drunk enough to get a piercing to make yourself look like it. I don't know."

"You're not making any sense."

"I'm making perfect sense," Erwin said, chewing on his pancakes.

"Are you still drunk?"

His mouth was full. "I'm hungry."

Levi sighed, and ran his fingers through his dark hair. Except there wasn't any hair. Not on the right side of his head, at least.

"What the fuck, Erwin."

Erwin looked up from his food. "What is it?"

"You didn't tell me a quarter of my hair was gone, too!"

"I also didn't tell you that the shirt you're wearing isn't yours."

Levi looked down to see the words "SAVE A HORSE RIDE A COWBOY" plastered in white text on the black shirt. "Why the fuck am I wearing this?"

"It's like I have all the answers for you. I don't."

"Did I tell you that you're wearing makeup and parts of your hair are pink?"

"That was the first thing you told me over the barking of that dog this morning."

Levi groaned again, and continued eating. For a while, the two ate in silence, attempting to recollect their night of leisure and apparent fuckery.

"Wait," Levi said to break the silence, "do you have your phone on you?"

Erwin put down his fork and felt around in his pants. He pulled out a phone, but it definitely wasn't his. The back of the phone was fully encrusted with cheap rhinestones.

"That's Petra's phone."

"Yes," Erwin said, swiping his thumb on the screen, "And there's no password."

"Oh, Petra..." Levi said. He was wondering where she was now. Probably went home safe with Hanji and the rest, sleeping soundly in her own bed. He was annoyed at that thought. "Did she take photos from last night?"

"I'm looking through them right now."

A stressful minute passed as Erwin kept swiping through the photos. He placed the phone in the middle of the table, doing his best not to toss it. His face was as white as a sheet. He went back to rubbing his forehead. "Oh my god. Levi."

Levi's eyes narrowed. He picked up the phone and went through the photos. At every swipe, his face turned more and more sour and his throat becoming more and more dry. At a glance at the last photo, he dropped the phone on his empty plate.

"We fucked up, Erwin. We fucked up so hard."

"Cowboy Night at Maria's Bar. What was Hanji thinking bringing us there?"

"What the hell was I thinking riding that mechanical bull," Levi replied. He tried to stretch, but his lower back and his ass were still tender from last night's mostly-clear escapades.

The waitress came back and poured Levi another cup of coffee and handed Erwin another glass of orange juice. She collected their plates and utensils and placed the phone back in the middle of the table. "You boys stay here as long as you like. Looks like you two had some fun last night."

The two didn't say anything. She smirked and walked away.

"At least you won," Erwin finally said. "I think."

"That's probably why I got this shirt."

"No, it isn't."

"What?"

Erwin picked the phone back up and pulled up a photo. He held up the phone to Levi's confused face. "Mike is going to punch you in the face if he remembers that this happened."

Levi's face wrinkled in disgust at the photo of him straddling Mike, who was wearing a cowboy hat. Levi's hands were on MIke's shoulders and his tongue was inside his mouth. Someone in the background was holding up the t-shirt Levi was wearing now. He pushed Erwin's arm aside. "Fuck. Are you mad at me?"

Erwin put down the phone again. "How am I supposed to be mad at you if I don't even remember that happened?"

"It isn't just that," Levi said, grabbing the phone and swiping to another photo. He held it up to Erwin. "We went to The Tuck-In after the bar."

He groaned, grabbed chunks of his hair and put his face on the table. "The club with all the drag queens. And the karaoke. Is that why you have eyeliner on? And why I have all this makeup on me?" he muffled.

"And the hair."

"You started that, didn't you?"

Levi didn't answer, mostly because he wasn't sure that it was him that made him put on all that makeup.

"You bastard." It was the first time Erwin cursed in front of Levi since the first night they moved in together. Levi kind of liked it.

To try and lighten the mood again, Levi began to sing softly,  _"First I was afraid, I was petrified..."_

"Levi. Don't."

_"Kept thinkin' I would never live without you by my side..."_

"Levi, I swear to god..."

_"But then I spent so many nights, thinkin' how you did me wrong..."_

Erwin stopped him by reaching over to put a hand over his mouth. "Stop it. It was already enough that you made out with my ex-boyfriend."

"I think that turned you on."

And for the first time since they entered Denny's, Erwin formed a smile. Levi could even hear him holding in a giggle. "It probably did."

Levi smiled, then frowned right away. "But seriously, Erwin...what the fuck were we thinking?"

Erwin didn't hear the question and sat up to touch the tattoo on his chest. "Electric Rose. Across the street from the bar and the club."

He grumbled. "Your tattoo and my piercing."

"And your half-shaved head. You look like the boy that lives in 4C."

"Kirstein? You asshole. At least I don't have a misspelled tattoo inked on my manboob."

"I'll ask Hanji for a referral to a tattoo removal place."

"But I'm still going to have to live with  _that_  for, like, a year or something."

Silence fell again between the two. For whatever reason, it wasn't very busy at Denny's. There were a few families and old men scattered around the restaurant, that same sarcastic waitress pouring coffee and handing out omelettes, a low hum of the fans going and some jazz song playing over the speaker. This was not where Levi wanted to end up after what was supposed be a good night with his friends and his boyfriend (and his boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, but still a good friend and a good person). He sighed in exasperation, and took another gulp of his coffee. The bitterness wasn't so bad this time around.

"There's one more thing, Erwin."

Erwin began to wipe the lipstick off with his napkin. "What is it?"

"How did we end up in that backyard?"

Erwin tossed the napkin next to the phone, covered in that icky red lipstick. "I don't know. The last photo taken was of you getting your head shaved at Electric Rose."

"Petra's going to need her phone back."

"I need to find my phone, Levi."

"You two probably switched phones at the bar or something."

"I confused my phone for her rhinestone-covered one?"

Before Levi could answer, the waitress came back a final time with their bill and four tablets of Tylenol. She put the medicine on top of the bill.

"Think of them like fortune cookies. I feel bad for you guys now. Keep takin' your time." And she walked away.The two each took two Tylenol tablets from the bill.

"We fucked up," Levi said again.

"At least it was with you. You bastard."

He smiled and held up his cup of coffee. "I love you too, darling."

Erwin held up his glass of orange juice. "No regrets?"

Levi laughed, knowing Erwin walked right into that one. "No regrats."

 


End file.
